The Importance of Setting Boundaries

I used to be the person who was unable to form healthy boundaries. Growing up, I always found myself finding it hard to say no or resist anything imposed on me. At work I would take on all tasks pushed on me by my older coworkers even if they were not mine just to be in their good graces, I would not speak up in my friendships and relationships to express things that bothered me or that I was uncomfortable with until anger and resentment defined my actions. It was only when I stopped and took the time to work on myself that I realized how emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted I was from allowing myself to continuously perform even when I was unable to. And the worst part was that I was ultimately the culprit of all this exhaustion. I was allowing others to use me and tell me what to do while pushing my own needs and goals to the side in order to help others achieve theirs. I’ve always had the common problem in life of wanting to be liked by my peers and needed by them, but at some point, I had to draw an invisible line around myself in order to protect myself from becoming someone who doesn’t make time to care for themself. It was really tough to say no to people and deal with the poking thought that I was constantly letting others down by rejecting their inquiries. I felt guilty and ashamed and did not want to offend anyone, but then I realized, I do not owe an explanation to anyone for why I cannot/don’t want to do something. “No, I’m really tired and don’t feel good today, I’m sorry” or “I really wish I could cover your shift tonight, but I have other plans” just became “No.” No more “I’m sorry’s” or long explanations included when turning something down because I don’t need to feel bad about having plans with friends when asked to work or the opposite feeling of saying no to friends when I would rather stay at home, and no one should ever make YOU feel badly for saying no and having these boundaries.

Boundaries are so important in all types of relationships because they build trust and create healthy relationships. They allow for safety and respect, and when you feel safe and respected, you are more likely to feel heard, validated, and appreciated, but most of all, you are not taken advantage of by friends, loved ones, or colleagues. Your boundaries are a rule book for others to follow when they are around you. These rules are created by boundaries so people know how they can treat you, what you will accept and what you will not based on your own wants and needs. Know that it is not selfish or rude to draw these lines. It is understanding your value and knowing your worth, and ensuring others know it too. Creating your own boundaries however, also means that you have to follow and respect others boundaries. Just like you, your peers, friends, and family may also say no to you at one point or another, so it is important to understand that just like you, they are not required to submit an explanation for their boundaries.

Just as it was for me, beginning to set boundaries can be tough and feel almost impossible because you are unsure where to start. To begin setting healthy boundaries one must:

• Practice self-awareness. If you do not like the way you fell or act, know that you have the power to change it

• Understand that you are in control of the things you can control

• Embrace the uneasiness and feeling of being uncomfortable at first

• Start by saying no to things that do not serve you

• Stand your ground with no guilt or shame

Healthy boundaries can allow you to achieve the following in both you personal and professional lives:

• Practicing self respect by standing your ground

• Avoiding future conflicts and resentments

• Practicing effective listening and seeing others points of view while still respecting your own

No is not just a word, it is a sentence. It is not an action to be undertaken only at certain times, but rather a lifelong habit that needs to be diligently practiced in order to see its full effects and achieve your goals in work and in life.